Quotes

Dad Jokes

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing, it's on the house

 My friend asked who my favorite vampire was. I said the one from Sesame street and he said he doesn't count. I'm pretty sure he does.

 A couple watches as their kid burns down the neighbors house. The dad says to the mother, "that's arson"

What do you call a moose with no name

anonymouse

What kind of bear has no teeth

gummy bear

Did you know a frog can jump higher than a mountain?

Yeah, mountains can't jump

A guy started doing lunges to get in shape

it was a big step forward

 Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

 A man takes his daughter to work and halfway through the day she starts crying.
 His co-workers try to comfort her and ask what's wrong.
 She say, "I haven't got to meet any of the clowns my dad said he works with".

Why shouldn't you brush your teeth with your left hand

because you should use a toothbrush

Why did the shopping cart quit his job

he was tired of getting pushed around

A few years ago I threw a boomerang, but I didn't see where it went. Now I live in constant fear.

Funny

Americans do use the metric system. They use 9mms at school.

Pro tip - bring up politics at Thanksgiving to save money on your X-mas shopping

The first person to hear a parrot speak was probably not ok for several days

My friend David had his ID stolen, so now he's just Dav

I tried calling the tinnitus helpline, but it just kept ringing

Did you hear about they guy who sued the airline for losing his luggage? He lost his case.

A cow that doesn't produce milk is either a milk dud or an udder failure.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Prachett

Quacks are a voluntary, self-administered tax on scientific ignorance.

Ben Goldacre

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

Dave Barry

One Sheppey

The closest distance at which sheep are still picturesque, and is about seven eighths of a mile.

When is a joke a dad joke

When it's apparent

When it's full groan

Q) Why can't T-Rex clap

A) Because they're all dead

I didn't believe it when I heard my dad was stealing from the DOT, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

It takes a man 15 minutes to walk to the bar but 45 minutes to walk home. The difference is staggering.

You shouldn't yell through a screen door, it will strain your voice.

Happiness is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's warmth.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

Two wrongs don't make a right... but it's a start.

Complete home for sale, 2 double, 1 single bed, dining room, 3 piece suite, television, carpet, lions, etc.

Alcohol, because no great story starts with someone eating a goddamn salad.

Math, Engineering and Computers

I have become one with my computer, a perfect blend of logic and emotion, I have reached nerdvana.

Dilbert

Scott Adams

Computers let you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

Mitch Ratcliffe

Okay, my friends, let's do some integrals.

Do you remember these integrals? Well they remember you!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "How much for a beer", the bar tender responds "for you - no charge".

The problem with statistics is that the average person has one testicle and one boob.

A theology student asks a statistician "If you had millions of monkeys writing random gibberish for millions of years, would they eventually write the bible?" to which the statistician responds "They already did".

A man asks a mathematician how to make tea. The mathematician responds "Get a pot, fill it with water, bring it to a boil and add a tea bag". The man then asks, "What if I already have a pot of boiling water, to which the mathematician responds, "Pour out the water and you've reduced it to the previous problem"

The difference between mechanical and civil engineers is that mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

The problem with New Mexico is half the people earn below average income.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Jokes

Things I like about coffee
 * Coffee is hot
 * Coffee makes me excited
 * Coffee is good enough to have every day
 * Coffee smells good
 * Coffee makes you nervous sometimes
 * Coffee give you warm and fuzzies
 * Even when coffee is too strong or too weak, it's still good
Things I like about you
 * Pretty much the same as coffee
 * Who knows, maybe you taste good and keep me up all night too.

 Dear Adult Swim
 Nipples are silly
 Dear Viewer
 So are toys, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't play with them.

Judge: You say you're innocent, but 5 people say they saw you steal that watch.
Defendant: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal that watch.

Q: How many trucks do you own?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventy?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventeen?
A: No, about 12.

I got some tampons in the mail, what am I supposed to do with those. Actually they were pads, crazy, weave ultra protection with wings and a sun roof. I used them as coffee filters. You're laughing but my garbage man must think I have some horrible disease.

Q: What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.

911 Call: "I think my friend might be dead"
"Ok, I need you to be sure"
[Gunshot]
"Ok, what next?"

Two windmills are out on a date. One asks the other "What kind of music do you like?", he responds, "Well, I'm a big metal fan".

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?". Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream". Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream - how about coffee with no milk?"

Q: How do you get an elephant in a refridgerator?
A: Open the door and put the elephant in
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refridgerator?
A: Footprints in the peanut butter
Q: How do you fit an giraffe in a refridgerator
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe
Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon
A: 2 in the front 2 in the back
Q: How do you get (two whales / to Wales) in a Volkswagon?
A: You can't, it's in England
Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a refridgerator?
A: You can't
Q: How can you tell if there's 4 elephants in the refridgerator
A: There's an empty Volkswagon parked outside
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red
A: To hide in cherry trees
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
A: It works!
Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: What do you call an elephant in a generals uniform?
A: Sir
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing earmuffs?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you
Q: What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandfather, until my mom took the urn away.

One-Liners

I like to meditate, it beats sitting around and doing nothing.

It's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.

The the length of this conversation at this point is out of proportion to my interest in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Corny

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Two men are fishing in a kayak and get cold - so they light a fire but of course the boat sinks proving once and for all; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I needed new glasses on our Alaskan cruise so I went into a shop on the next island and asked the man behind the counter if he was an really eye doctor and he responded "No, I'm just an optical Aleutian".

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here, Ill go on a head.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I ask a North Korean how things were going - he said, "I can't complain".

I'm skeptical of anyone who says they do yoga everyday - it's a bit of a stretch.

I've got an addiction to brake fluid, but it's ok, I can stop whenever I want.

It turns out I'm a really bad electrician - I know - I was shocked.

It's weird that we call child birth deliver - it's just take out.

X%2 == 1 // Well, that's odd

Q: What keeps all the water in the ocean
A: The seals.

Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them.

Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland
A: Not sure, but the flags a big plus.

Q: What do you call a guy with a hamster stuck in each ear?
A: Anything you want - he can't hear you.

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's ok, he woke up.

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.

Q: Why do chicken coups only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: One goes "-whack- Darn!", the other goes "Darn!-whack-".

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator

A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "You lost a shoe". The duck says "No, I found one!".

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7
A: Because 7 has cold, dead eyes

Q: What do you call a pencil without lead
A: Pointless

Q: Which side of a chicken has more feathers
A: The outside

Q: What kind of shoes do ninjas wear
A: sneakers

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender say "Why the long face" and the horse replies "because I think my alcoholism is hurting my family"

There's two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "How do drive this thing".

I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

I took the shell off my racing snail to make it faster, but it just made it more sluggish.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Detroit zoo.

A pizza with depth A and width Z has a volume of Pi*z*z*a

A man walks into the bar and order 10 rounds for everyone, to which the bar tender replies, "Now that's an order of magnitude".

Three termintes walk into a bar, look around and as "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: What is Beethoven doing right now?
A: Decomposing

Two antennas met, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much the reception was fantastic

 Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
 A: Fsh

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Did you hear about the baker who's shop burned down? His business is toast.

 Q: Why did the scarecrow deserve a promotion
 A: He was outstanding in his field

Religion

God has galaxy upon galaxy to attend to, but he's especially concerned with what we do. And he's especially concerned with what we do naked.

Sam Harris

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

Terry Pratchett

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself.

Richard Francis Burton

Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen

What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.

Christopher Hitchens

I'm an atheist and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for other people.

Katherine Hepburn

I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?’ ‘No,’ said the priest, ‘not if you did not know.’ ‘Then why,’ asked the Eskimo earnestly, ‘did you tell me?’

Annie Dillard

I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Mohandas Gandhi

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

Marcus Aurelius

The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion.

Thomas Paine

Since the Bible and the church are obviously mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust them to tell us where we are going?

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence.

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

Instead of being born again, why not grow up.

Founders

Lighthouses are more useful than churches

Benjamin Franklin

This would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no religion in it

John Adams

Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man

Thomas Jefferson

Funny

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

Doug McLeod

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

His poopiness, the Hole.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Against temptation, bashfulness is a thousand times more effective than morals.

Political

The Republic view on personhood is that it begins at conception, ends at birth and can be renewed by forming an LLC

John Irving

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Voltaire

The American economic system is free enterprise for the poor and socialism for the rich.

Gore Vidal

I hear all this, you know, “Well, this is class warfare, this is whatever.”—No! There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there—good for you! But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for.

Elizabeth Warren

Every time technology makes another leap forward, we have to reclaim the Fourth Amendment, and often we have to reclaim the entire Bill of Rights

John Perry Barlow

The OPEC Stimulus package, also known as $200/barrel oil.

Shai Agassi

The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie – deliberate, contrived and dishonest – but the myth – persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Too often […] we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

JFK

The economy is a wholly owned subsidiary of the environment.

Ray Anderson

The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live, and fear breeds repression. Too often sinister threats to the bill of rights, to freedom of the mind, are concealed under the patriotic cloak, of anti-communism.

Adlai Stevenson

A hungry man is not a free man.

Adlai Stevenson

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its labourers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

When you give food to the poor, they call you a saint. When you ask why the poor have no food, they call you a communist.

Archbishop Helder Camara

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Ambrose Bierce

In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism. In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy.

David Korten

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.

John Stuart Mill

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb but can’t afford an air force.

William Blum

I dream that someday the United States will be on the side of the peasants in some civil war. I dream that we will be the ones who will help the poor overthrow the rich, who will talk about land reform and education and health facilities for everyone, and that when the Red Cross or Amnesty International comes to count the bodies and take the testimony of women raped, that our side won't be the heavies.

Richard Cohen

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

Bertrand Russell

Yes, my friends, I too am prepared to die for a cause, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill.

Mohandas Gandhi

Loyalty to the Country always, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

Freedom rings where opinions clash

Adlai Stevenson

The world war after next will be fought with sticks and stones.

Albert Einstein

Politicians are like diapers. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Man of the Year

The decisions that I made in 2010 were made out of the concern for my country
and the world that we live in. Since the tragic events of 9/11, our country
has been at war. We have been at war with an enemy that chooses not to meet us
on a traditional battlefield. Due to this fact, we’ve had to alter our methods
of combating the risk posed to us and our way of life.

I initially agreed with these methods and chose to volunteer to help defend our
country. It was not until I was in Iraq and reading secret military reports on a
daily basis that I started to question the morality of what we were doing. It was
at this time that I realized that our efforts to meet the risk posed to us by the
enemy, we had forgotten our humanity. We consciously elected to devalue life both
in Iraq and Afghanistan. When we engaged those that we perceived were the enemy,
we sometimes killed innocent civilians. Whenever we killed innocent civilians,
instead of accepting responsibility for our conduct, we elected to hide behind the
veil of national security and classified information in order to avoid any public
accountability.

In our zeal to kill the enemy, we internally debated the definition of torture. We
held individuals at Guantanamo for years without due process. We inexplicably
turned a blind eye to torture and executions by the Iraqi government. And we
stomached countless other acts in the name of our war on terror.

Patriotism is often the cry extolled when morally questionable acts are advocated 
by those in power. When these cries of patriotism drown out any logically-based
dissension, it is usually an American soldier that is given the order to carry out
some ill-conceived mission.

Our nation has had similar dark moments for the virtues of democracy—the Trail of
Tears, the Dred Scott decision, McCarthyism and the Japanese-American internment
camps—to mention a few. I am confident that many of the actions since 9/11 will one
day be viewed in a similar light.

As the late Howard Zinn once said, there is not a flag large enough to cover the
shame of killing innocent people.

I understand that my actions violated the law. I regret that my actions hurt anyone
or harmed the United States. It was never my intent to hurt anyone. I only wanted to
help people. When I chose to disclose classified information, I did so out of a love
for my country and my sense of duty to others.

If you deny my request for a pardon, I will serve my time knowing that sometimes
you have to pay a heavy price to live in a free society. I will gladly pay that
price if it means we could have a country that is truly conceived in liberty and
dedicated to the proposition that all women and men are created equal.

-Chelsea Manning

A language is a dialect with an army.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The problem with American society is its a rights society, not a responsibility society.

Why shouldn't speech be free, very little of it is worth anything anyway.

Defend the right to keep and arm bears.

Idiots

The best minds are not in government.

Ronald Reagan

One can hardly be surprised by this quote when surveying his administration

We were going through a global warming period, we're not now - Gods still up there.

Senator James Inhofe (R)

If a person is a practicing homosexual, they should not be teaching in our schools.

Senator Jim DeMint (R)

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do

Ronald Reagan

God said the earth would not be destroyed by a flood

John Shimkus (R) (on why the government doesn’t need to make a priority of regulating greenhouse-gas emissions)

Programming

Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen

Edward V Berard

Employers much prefer that workers be fungible, rather than maximally productive.

Stanislav Datskovskiy

Programmers are lazy; as they should be.

Kurt Stirewalt

Automagically

Kurt Stirewalt

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?' Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

Steve McConnell

Debugging is twice as hard as writing code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Brian W. Kerrighan

Remember, code is your house, and you have to live in it.

Michael Feathers

The realization came over me with full force that a good part of the remainder of my life was going to be spent in finding errors in my own programs

Maurice Wilkes, 1949

Simple things should be simple, complex things should be possible.

Alan Kay

C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Funny

Recursive - A program that makes you curse and curse again.

Unknown

I've noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the release of MS-DOS.

Larry DeLuca

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph.

Linus Torvalds

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.

Nathaniel S Borenstein

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Stan Kelly-Bootle

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

Weeks of programming can save hours of planning.

Phrases

Nullus In Verba - "Take nobody's word for it"

Motto of the Royal Society [of science]

Talk does not cook rice

Chinese proverb

In Vino Veritas “In wine there is truth”

In vino veritas, in aqua ichthys "In wine there is truth, in water there is fish"

First recorded by the Greek poet Alcaeus

The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.

Misc.

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and little minds discuss people.

Unknown

Safe is relative

The TARDIS (Neil Gaiman)

 For this invention will produce forgetfulness in the
 minds of those who learn to use it, because they will
 not practice their memory. Their trust in writing,
 produced by external characters which are no part of
 themselves, will discourage the use of their own
 memory within them. You have invented an elixir
 not of memory, but of reminding; and you offer
 your pupils the appearance of wisdom, not true
 wisdom, for they will read many things without
 instruction and will therefore seem to know many
 things, when they are for the most part ignorant and
 hard to get along with, since they are not wise, but
 only appear wise.

Phaedrus

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Hunter S. Thompson

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable

Ezra Solomon

When the facts change, I change my opinion. What do you do, sir?

John Maynard Keynes

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

Dwight Eisenhower

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.

Dr. Seuss

You and me in the last 72 hours have gotten more change producing and project creating and priority shifting information than our parents got in a month, some of them in a year.

David Allen

There is no reason ever to have the same thought twice unless you enjoy having that thought.

David Allen

No unwanted behavior has ever been eradicated by passing a law against it.

Daniel Quinn

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

Socrates

Give as few orders as possible. Once you've given orders on a subject, you must always give orders on that subject.

Duke Leto Atredis

Dune Frank Herbert

The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.

Whitney Young

Before you speak, ask yourself is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

Shirdi Sai Bab

I am sufficiently proud of my knowing something to be modest about my not knowing everything.

Vladimir Nabokov

Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top, only then will you see how low it is

Dag Hammarskjold

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority it is time to reform.

Mark Twain

It is easier to forgive an enemy after you have gotten even with them.

Olin Miller

We can’t solve problems by using the same kinds of thinking we used when we created them

Albert Einstein

As human beings, our first commandment is, something needs to happen.

Chuck Palahniuk

For a successful technology, honesty must take precedent over public relations for nature cannot be fooled.

Richard Feyman

Shakespeare - history's most famous receding hairline.

A grown-up is someone who suffers from responsibility.

Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby," has never tried it.

Clean, dependable, hard working ... good God, what kind of monster have I become!?!

Don't judge a book by its movie.

The road to wisdom? - Well, it's plain
and simple to express:
Err
and err
and err again
but less
and less
and less
-Piet Hein

Positive

It's all stupid. It's always been stupid. It always probably going to be stupid. So just enjoy your stupid life.

Rodney Norman

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

We're all just stories in the end, just make a good one, ok.

Doctor Who, "The Big Bang"

Majonisday

Adam

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Carl Sagan

 The most astounding fact is the knowledge that the atoms
 that comprise life on Earth the atoms that make up the human
 body are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements
 into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures
 and pressures. These stars, the high mass ones among them
 went unstable in their later years they collapsed and then
 exploded scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy
 guts made of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and all the fundamental
 ingredients of life itself. These ingredients become part of
 gas cloud that condense, collapse, form the next generation
 of solar systems stars with orbiting planets, and those
 planets now have the ingredients for life itself. So that
 when I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are
 part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps
 more important than both of those facts is that the Universe
 is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up – many people
 feel small because they’re small and the Universe is big – but
 I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a
 level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life, you
 want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant you want to
 feel like a participant in the goings on of activities and
 events around you That’s precisely what we are, just by being
 alive…

Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson The Most Amazing Fact

Negative

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.

An optimist is one who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

An optimist is a man who spends his last dollar to buy a new bill clip.

In giving the devil his due, you're liable to give yourself away.