When the facts change, I change my opinion. What do you do, sir?: John Maynard Keynes

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.: Charles M. Schulz

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.: Dwight Eisenhower

Things I like about coffee
 * Coffee is hot
 * Coffee makes me excited
 * Coffee is good enough to have every day
 * Coffee smells good
 * Coffee makes you nervous sometimes
 * Coffee give you warm and fuzzies
 * Even when coffee is too strong or too weak, it's still good
Things I like about you
 * Pretty much the same as coffee
 * Who knows, maybe you taste good and keep me up all night too.

Nullus In Verba - "Take nobody's word for it": Motto of the Royal Society [of science]

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.: Unknown

Every time technology makes another leap forward, we have to reclaim the Fourth Amendment, and often we have to reclaim the entire Bill of Rights: John Perry Barlow

God has galaxy upon galaxy to attend to, but he's especially concerned with what we do. And he's especially concerned with what we do naked.: Sam Harris

Talk does not cook rice: Chinese proverb

The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.: Unknown

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.: Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.: Dr. Seuss

The OPEC Stimulus package, also known as $200/barrel oil.: Shai Agassi

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.: Unknown

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.: Terry Pratchett

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself.: Richard Francis Burton

One Sheppey: The closest distance at which sheep are still picturesque, and is about seven eighths of a mile.

You and me in the last 72 hours have gotten more change producing and project creating and priority shifting information than our parents got in a month, some of them in a year.: David Allen

The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie – deliberate, contrived and dishonest – but the myth – persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Too often […] we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.: JFK

Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends.: Woody Allen

Lighthouses are more useful than churches: Benjamin Franklin

This would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no religion in it: John Adams

Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man: Thomas Jefferson

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.: Doug McLeod

Since the Bible and the church are obviously mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust them to tell us where we are going?: Unknown

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence.: Unknown

What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.: Christopher Hitchens

No unwanted behavior has ever been eradicated by passing a law against it.: Daniel Quinn

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.: Socrates

There is no reason ever to have the same thought twice unless you enjoy having that thought.: David Allen

The difference between mechanical and civil engineers is that mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.: Unknown

I'm an atheist and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for other people.: Katherine Hepburn

The economy is a wholly owned subsidiary of the environment.: Ray Anderson

Give as few orders as possible. Once you've given orders on a subject, you must always give orders on that subject.: Duke Leto Atredis; Dune Frank Herbert

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.: Terry Prachett

The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live, and fear breeds repression. Too often sinister threats to the bill of rights, to freedom of the mind, are concealed under the patriotic cloak, of anti-communism.: Adlai Stevenson

A hungry man is not a free man.: Adlai Stevenson

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its labourers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.: Dwight D. Eisenhower

When you give food to the poor, they call you a saint. When you ask why the poor have no food, they call you a communist.: Archbishop Helder Camara

I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?’ ‘No,’ said the priest, ‘not if you did not know.’ ‘Then why,’ asked the Eskimo earnestly, ‘did you tell me?’: Annie Dillard

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.: Ambrose Bierce

Quacks are a voluntary, self-administered tax on scientific ignorance.: Ben Goldacre

The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.: Whitney Young

In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism. In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy.: David Korten

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.: John Stuart Mill

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb but can’t afford an air force.: William Blum

I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.: Mohandas Gandhi

I dream that someday the United States will be on the side of the peasants in some civil war. I dream that we will be the ones who will help the poor overthrow the rich, who will talk about land reform and education and health facilities for everyone, and that when the Red Cross or Amnesty International comes to count the bodies and take the testimony of women raped, that our side won't be the heavies.
Richard Cohen

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.: Bertrand Russell

Yes, my friends, I too am prepared to die for a cause, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill.: Mohandas Gandhi

Before you speak, ask yourself is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?: Shirdi Sai Bab

I am sufficiently proud of my knowing something to be modest about my not knowing everything.: Vladimir Nabokov

Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top, only then will you see how low it is: Dag Hammarskjold

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority it is time to reform.: Mark Twain

Loyalty to the Country always, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.: Mark Twain

The thing about laws is good men don't need them and bad men don't follow them.: Unknown

Freedom rings where opinions clash: Adlai Stevenson

It is easier to forgive an enemy after you have gotten even with them.: Unknonw

Why shouldn't speech be free, very little of it is worth anything anyway.: Unknown

The world war after next will be fought with sticks and stones.: Albert Einstein

Happiness is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's warmth.: Unknown

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.: Unknown

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.: The Simpsons

An optimist is one who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.: Unknown

An optimist is a man who spends his last dollar to buy a new bill clip.: Unknown

In giving the devil his due, you're liable to give yourself away.: Unknown

Shakespeare - history's most famous receding hair line.: Unknown

Against temptation, bashfulness is a thousand times more effective than morals.: Unknown

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.: Unknown

A grownup is someone who suffers from responsibility.: Unknown

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.: Unknown

Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby," has never tried it.: Unknown

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.: Unknown

Clean, dependable, hard working ... good God, what kind of monster have I become!?!: Unknown

Defend the right to keep and arm bears.: Unknown

Don't judge a book by its movie.: Unknown

Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen: Unknown

We can’t solve problems by using the same kinds of thinking we used when we created them: Albert Einstein

The problem with American society is its a rights society, not a responsibility society.: Unknown

Okay, my friends, let's do some integrals.: Unknown College Professor

Dances are the proverbs of body language.: Unknown

 Dear Adult Swim
 Nipples are silly
 Dear Viewer
 So are toys, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't play with them.

Recursive - A program that makes you curse and curse again.: Unknown

You know you have a drinking problem when the bar tender knows your name, and you've never been there before.: Unknown

My sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities disorder. She called me and my caller ID exploded.: Zach Galifianakis

Hookers don't like to snuggle.: Zach Galifianakis

I like to meditate, it beats sitting around and doing nothing.: Unknown

It's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.: Unknown

Judge - You say you're innocent, but 5 people say they saw you steal that watch.
Defendant - Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal that watch.: Unknown

Complete home for sale, 2 double, 1 single bed, dining room, 3 piece suite, television, carpet, lions, etc.: Unknown

The the length of this conversation at this point is out of proportion to my interest in it.: Unknown

The problem with New Mexico is half the people earn below average income.: Unknown

Q: How many trucks do you own?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventy?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventeen?
A: No, about 12.

His poopiness, the Hole.: Unknown

Majonisday: Adam

I have become one with my computer, a perfect blend of logic and emotion, I have reached nerdvana.: Dilbert; Scott Adams

Do you remember these integrals? Well they remember you!: Unknown College Professor

In Vino Veritas “In wine there is truth”
In vino veritas, in aqua ichthys "In wine there is truth, in water there is fish": Unknown

As human beings, our first commandment is, something needs to happen.: Chuck Palahniuk

Computers let you make mistakes faster than any other invention in human history with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.: Unknown

Two wrongs don't make a right... but it's a start.: Unknown

I got some tampons in the mail, what am I supposed to do with those. Actually they were pads, crazy, weave ultra protection with wings and a sun roof. I used them as coffee filters. You're laughing but my garbage man must think I have some horrible disease.: Unknown

Life is a sexually transmitted disease: Unknown

I'm not crazy but I think the voice in my head might be: Chris Bishop; Her![Girl vs. Pig]

Employers much prefer that workers be fungible, rather than maximally productive.: Stanislav Datskovskiy

I've noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the release of MS-DOS.: Larry DeLuca

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph.: Linus Torvalds

Programmers are lazy; as they should be.: Kurt Stirewalt

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.: Carl Sagan

Automagically: Kurt Stirewalt

C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk.: Unknown

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.: Unknown

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.: Unknown

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.: Nathaniel S Borenstein

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.: Stan Kelly-Bootle

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?' Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.: Steve McConnell

For a successful technology, honesty must take precedent over public relations for nature cannot be fooled.: Richard Feyman

Debugging is twice as hard as writing code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.: Brian W. Kerrighan

Remember, code is your house, and you have to live in it.: Michael Feathers

The realization came over me with full force that a good part of the remainder of my life was going to be spent in finding errors in my own programs: Maurice Wilkes, 1949

The road to wisdom? - Well, it's plain
and simple to express:
Err
and err
and err again
but less
and less
and less
-Piet Hein

One can hardly be surprised that Reagan said "The best minds are not in government." when you look at the people in his administration: Unknown

Corny

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here.": Unknown

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "How much for a beer", the bar tender responds "for you - no charge".: Unknown

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Unknown

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.: Unknown

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!": Unknown

Two men are fishing in a kayak and get cold - so they light a fire but of course the boat sinks proving once and for all; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.: Unknown

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.: Unknown

I needed new glasses on our Alaskan cruise so I went into a shop on the next island and asked the man behind the counter if he was an really eye doctor and he responded "No, I'm just an optical Aleutian".: Unknown

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here, Ill go on a head.; Unknown

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.: Unknown

What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's escaped from prison? A small medium at large.: Unknown

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys: Unknown

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.: Unknown

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.: Unknown

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.: Unknown

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels.

Why do chicken coups only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes "-whack- Darn!", the other goes "Darn!-whack-".

A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "You lost a shoe". The duck says "No, I found one!".: Unknown

Politicians are like diapers. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.: Man of the Year

911 Call: "I think my friend might be dead"
"Ok, I need you to be sure"
[Gunshot]
"Ok, what next?"

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”: Unknown

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream - how about coffee with no milk?"

The problem with statistics is that the average person has one testicle and one boob.: Unknown

A student asks a statistician "If you had millions of monkeys writing random gibberish for millions of years, would they eventually write the bible?" to which the statistician responds "They already did".: Unknown

Idiots

We were going through a global warming period, we're not now - Gods still up there.: Senator James Inhofe (R)

If a person is a practicing homosexual, they should not be teaching in our schools.: Senator Jim DeMint (R)

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do: Ronald Reagan

God said the earth would not be destroyed by a flood: John Shimkus (R) (on why the government doesn’t need to make a priority of regulating greenhouse-gas emissions)

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